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Top 100 Do's and Don'ts for Evil Overlords


1. My Legions of Terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass
visors, not face-concealing ones. 

2. My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. 

3. My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept
anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon. 

4. Shooting is not too good for my enemies. 

5. The artifact which is the source of my power will not be kept on the
Mountain of Despair beyond the River of Fire guarded by the Dragons of
Eternity. It will be in my safe-deposit box. The same applies to the 
object which is my one weakness. 

6. I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them. 

7. When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me,
will you at least tell me what this is all about?'' I'll say, "No.'' And
shoot him. Actually, on second thought I'll shoot him, then say "No.'' 

8. After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in
a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks' time during
which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. 

9. I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely
necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labeled
"Danger: Do Not Push''. The big red button marked "Do Not Push'' will
instead trigger a spray of bullets on anyone stupid enough to disregard 
it.
Similarly, the ON/OFF switch will not clearly be labeled as such. 

10. I will not interrogate my enemies in the inner sanctum  a small hotel
well outside my borders will work just as well. 

11. I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to
prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker
enemies alive to show they pose no threat. 

12. One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in
my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation. 

13. All slain enemies will be cremated, or at least have several rounds of
ammunition emptied into them, not left for dead at the bottom of the 
cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration,
will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal. 

14. The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other
form of last request. 

15. I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that
such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when 
the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation. 

16. I will never utter the sentence "But before I kill you, there's just
one thing I want to know.'' 

17. When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their
advice. 

18. I will not have a son. Although his laughably under-planned attempt to
usurp power would easily fail, it would provide a fatal distraction at a
crucial point in time. 

19. I will not have a daughter. She would be as beautiful as she was evil,
but one look at the hero's rugged countenance and she'd betray her own
father. 

20. Despite its proven stress-relieving effect, I will not indulge in
maniacal laughter. When so occupied, it's too easy to miss unexpected
developments that a more attentive individual could adjust to 
accordingly. 

21. I will hire a talented fashion designer to create original uniforms for
my Legions of Terror, as opposed to some cheap knock-offs that make 
them look like Nazi storm troopers, Roman foot soldiers, or savage Mongol 
hordes. All were eventually defeated and I want my troops to have a 
more positive mind-set. 

22. No matter how tempted I am with the prospect of unlimited power, I will
not consume any energy field bigger than my head. 

23. I will keep a special cache of low-tech weapons and train my troops in
their use. That way even if the heroes manage to neutralize my power
generator and/or render the standard-issue energy weapons useless my
troops will not be overrun by a handful of savages armed with spears and
rocks. 

24. I will maintain a realistic assessment of my strengths and weaknesses.
Even though this takes some of the fun out of the job, at least I will
never utter the line "No, this cannot be! I AM INVINCIBLE!!!'' (After
that, death is usually instantaneous.) 

25. No matter how well it would perform, I will never construct any sort of
machinery which is completely indestructible except for one small and
virtually inaccessible vulnerable spot. 

26. No matter how attractive certain members of the rebellion are, there is
probably someone just as attractive who is not desperate to kill me.
Therefore, I will think twice before ordering a prisoner sent to my
bedchamber. 

27. I will never build only one of anything important. All important
systems will have redundant control panels and power supplies. For 
the same reason I will always carry at least two fully loaded weapons 
at all times. 

28. My pet monster will be kept in a secure cage from which it cannot
escape and into which I could not accidentally stumble. 

29. I will dress in bright and cheery colors, and so throw my enemies into
confusion. 

30. All bumbling conjurers, clumsy squires, no-talent bards, and cowardly
thieves in the land will be pre-emptively put to death. My foes will 
surely give up and abandon their quest if they have no source of comic relief. 

31. All naive, busty tavern wenches in my realm will be replaced with
surly, world-weary waitresses who will provide no unexpected 
reinforcement and/or romantic subplot for the hero or his sidekick. 

32. I will not fly into a rage and kill a messenger who brings me bad news
just to illustrate how evil I really am. Good messengers are hard to 
come by. 

33. I won't require high-ranking female members of my organization to wear
a stainless-steel bustier. Morale is better with a more casual 
dress-code. Similarly, outfits made entirely from black leather
will be reserved for formal occasions. 

34. I will not turn into a snake. It never helps. 

35. I will not grow a goatee. In the old days they made you look diabolic.
Now they just make you look like a disaffected member of Generation X. 

36. I will not imprison members of the same party in the same cell block,
let alone the same cell. If they are important prisoners, I will keep the
only key to the cell door on my person instead of handing out copies to
every bottom-rung guard in the prison. 

37. If my trusted lieutenant tells me my Legions of Terror are losing a
battle, I will believe him. After all, he's my trusted lieutenant. 

38. If an enemy I have just killed has a younger sibling or offspring
anywhere, I will find them and have them killed immediately, instead of
waiting for them to grow up harboring feelings of vengeance towards me in
my old age. 

39. If I absolutely must ride into battle, I will certainly not ride at the
forefront of my Legions of Terror, nor will I seek out my opposite 
number among his army. 

40. I will be neither chivalrous nor sporting. If I have an unstoppable
superweapon, I will use it as early and as often as possible instead of
keeping it in reserve. 

41. Once my power is secure, I will destroy all those pesky time-travel
devices. 

42. When I capture the hero, I will make sure I also get his dog, monkey,
ferret, or whatever sickeningly cute little animal capable of untying 
ropes and filching keys happens to follow him around. 

43. I will maintain a healthy amount of skepticism when I capture the
beautiful rebel and she claims she is attracted to my power and good 
looks and will gladly betray her companions if I just let her in on my
plans. 

44. I will only employ bounty hunters who work for money. Those who work
for the pleasure of the hunt tend to do dumb things like even the odds
to give the other guy a sporting chance. 

45. I will make sure I have a clear understanding of who is responsible for
what in my organization. For example, if my general screws up I will not
draw my weapon, point it at him, say "And here is the price for failure,''
then suddenly turn and kill some random underling. 

46. If an advisor says to me "My liege, he is but one man. What can one
man possibly do?'', I will reply "This.'' and kill the advisor. 

47. If I learn that a callow youth has begun a quest to destroy me, I will
slay him while he is still a callow youth instead of waiting for him to
mature. 

48. I will treat any beast which I control through magic or technology with
respect and kindness. Thus if the control is ever broken, it will not
immediately come after me for revenge. 

49. If I learn the whereabouts of the one artifact which can destroy me, I
will not send all my troops out to seize it. Instead I will send them out
to seize something else and quietly put a Want-Ad in the local paper. 

50. My main computers will have their own special operating system that
will be completely incompatible with standard IBM and Macintosh 
notebooks. 

51. If one of my dungeon guards begins expressing concern over the
conditions in the beautiful princess' cell, I will immediately transfer 
him to a less people-oriented position. 

52. I will hire a team of board-certified architects and surveyors to
examine my castle and inform me of any secret passages and 
abandoned tunnels that I might not know about. 

53. If the beautiful princess that I capture says "I'll never marry you!
Never, do you hear me, NEVER!!!'', I will say "Oh well'' and kill her. 

54. I will not strike a bargain with a demonic being then attempt to
double-cross it simply because I feel like being contrary. 

55. The deformed mutants and odd-ball psychotics will have their place in
my Legions of Terror. However before I send them out on important 
covert missions that require tact and subtlety, I will first see if there 
is anyone else equally qualified who would attract less attention. 

56. My Legions of Terror will be trained in basic marksmanship. Any who
cannot learn to hit a man-sized target at 10 meters will be used for 
target practice. 

57. Before employing any captured artifacts or machinery, I will carefully
read the owner's manual. 

58. If it becomes necessary to escape, I will never stop to pose
dramatically and toss off a one-liner. 

59. I will never build a sentient computer smarter than I am. 

60. My five-year-old child advisor will also be asked to decipher any code
I am thinking of using. If he breaks the code in under 30 seconds, it 
will not be used. Note: this also applies to passwords. 

61. If my advisors ask "Why are you risking everything on such a mad
scheme?'', I will not proceed until I have a response that satisfies 
them. 

62. I will design fortress hallways with no alcoves or protruding
structural supports which intruders could use for cover in a firefight. 

63. Bulk trash will be disposed of in incinerators, not compactors. And
they will be kept hot, with none of that nonsense about flames going
through accessible tunnels at predictable intervals. 

64. I will see a competent psychiatrist and get cured of all extremely
unusual phobias and bizarre compulsive habits which could prove to be a
disadvantage. 

65. If I must have computer systems with publicly available terminals, the
maps they display of my complex will have a room clearly marked as the 
Main Control Room. That room will be the Execution Chamber. The actual 
main control room will be marked as Sewage Overflow Containment. 

66. My security keypad will actually be a fingerprint scanner. Anyone who
watches someone press a sequence of buttons or dusts the pad for
fingerprints then subsequently tries to enter by repeating that sequence
will trigger the alarm system. 

67. No matter how many shorts we have in the system, my guards will be
instructed to treat every surveillance camera malfunction as a full-scale
emergency. 

68. I will spare someone who saved my life sometime in the past. This is
only reasonable as it encourages others to do so. However, the offer is
good one time only. If they want me to spare them again, they'd better 
save my life again. 

69. All midwives will be banned from the realm. All babies will be
delivered at state-approved hospitals. Orphans will be placed in
foster-homes, not abandoned in the woods to be raised by creatures 
of the wild. 

70. When my guards split up to search for intruders, they will always
travel in groups of at least two. They will be trained so that if one of
them disappears mysteriously while on patrol, the other will immediately
initiate an alert and call for backup, instead of quizzically peering
around a corner. 

71. If I decide to test a lieutenant's loyalty and see if he/she should be
made a trusted lieutenant, I will have a crack squad of marksmen 
standing by in case the answer is no. 

72. If all the heroes are standing together around a strange device and
begin to taunt me, I will pull out a conventional weapon instead of using
my unstoppable superweapon on them. 

73. I will not agree to let the heroes go free if they win a rigged contest, 
even though my advisors assure me it is impossible for them to win. 

74. When I create a multimedia presentation of my plan designed so that 
my five-year-old advisor can easily understand the details, I will not 
label the disk "Project Overlord'' and leave it lying on top of my desk. 

75. I will instruct my Legions of Terror to attack the hero en masse, instead 
of standing around waiting while members break off and attack one or 
two at a time. 

76. If the hero runs up to my roof, I will not run up after him and struggle 
with him in an attempt to push him over the edge. I will also not engage 
him at the edge of a cliff  In the middle of a rope-bridge over a river 
of molten lava is not even worth considering. 

77. If I have a fit of temporary insanity and decide to give the hero the
chance to reject a job as my trusted lieutenant, I will retain enough
sanity to wait until my current trusted lieutenant is out of earshot 
before making the offer. 

78. I will not tell my Legions of Terror "And he must be taken alive!''
The command will be "And try to take him alive if it is reasonably
practical.'' 

79. If my doomsday device happens to come with a reverse switch, as soon as 
it has been employed it will be melted down and made into limited-edition
commemorative coins. 

80. If my weakest troops fail to eliminate a hero, I will send out my best
troops instead of wasting time with progressively stronger ones as he 
gets closer and closer to my fortress. 

81. If I am fighting with the hero atop a moving platform, have disarmed
him, and am about to finish him off and he glances behind me and drops
flat, I too will drop flat instead of quizzically turning around to find
out what he saw. 

82. I will not shoot at any of my enemies if they are standing in front of
the crucial support beam to a heavy, dangerous, unbalanced structure. 

83. If I'm eating dinner with the hero, put poison in his goblet, then have
to leave the table for any reason, I will order new drinks for both of us
instead of trying to decide whether or not to switch with him. 

84. I will not have captives of one sex guarded by members of the opposite
sex. 

85. I will not use any plan in which the final step is horribly complicated, 
e.g. "Align the 12 Stones of Power on the sacred altar then activate 
the medallion at the moment of total eclipse.'' Instead it will be
more along the lines of "Push the button.'' 

86. I will make sure that my doomsday device is up to code and properly
grounded. 

87. My vats of hazardous chemicals will be covered when not in use. Also, 
I will not construct walkways above them. 

88. If a group of henchmen fail miserably at a task, I will not berate them
for incompetence then send the same group out to try the task again. 

89. After I capture the hero's superweapon, I will not immediately disband
my legions and relax my guard because I believe whoever holds the 
weapon is unstoppable. After all, the hero held the weapon and I took 
it from him. 

90. I will not design my Main Control Room so that every workstation is
facing away from the door. 

91. I will not ignore the messenger that stumbles in exhausted and obviously 
agitated until my personal grooming or current entertainment is finished. 

It might actually be important. 

92. If I ever talk to the hero on the phone, I will not taunt him. Instead
I will say that his dogged perseverance has given me new insight on the
futility of my evil ways and that if he leaves me alone for a few months 
of quiet contemplation I will likely return to the path of righteousness.
(Heroes are incredibly gullible in this regard.) 

93. If I decide to hold a double execution of the hero and an underling who
failed or betrayed me, I will see to it that the hero is scheduled to go
first. 

94. When arresting prisoners, my guards will not allow them to stop and
grab a useless trinket of purely sentimental value. 

95. My dungeon will have its own qualified medical staff complete with
bodyguards. That way if a prisoner becomes sick and his cellmate tells 
the guard it's an emergency, the guard will fetch a trauma team instead 
of opening up the cell for a look. 

96. My door mechanisms will be designed so that blasting the control panel
on the outside seals the door and blasting the control panel on the inside
opens the door, not vice versa. 

97. My dungeon cells will not be furnished with objects that contain
reflective surfaces or anything that can be unraveled. 

98. If an attractive young couple enters my realm, I will carefully monitor
their activities. If I find they are happy and affectionate, I will 
ignore them. However if circumstance have forced them together against 
their will and they spend all their time bickering and criticizing each 
other except during the intermittent occasions when they are saving 
each others' lives at which point there are hints of sexual tension, I 
will immediately order their execution. 

99. Any data file of crucial importance will be padded to 1.45Mb in size so
it won't fit on a floppy disk. 

100. Finally, to keep my subjects permanently locked in a mindless trance,
I will provide each of them with free unlimited Internet access.


You Know Your Coven's Getting Older When...

The ritual feast is pureed.
Last Beltane the coven decided it would be nice to go
out to dinner to celebrate.
The last time you tried to do a spiral dance your
oxygen feeds got tangled.
Viagra is kept in the coven supplies.
The maiden of the coven is a grandmother.
The ritual room is outfitted with defibrillators.
The coveners drive their RV's to Scottsdale for Mabon.
When you are at a festival you go to bed at sunset.
It takes the whole coven to move the cauldron.
The high priest still has a vendetta going against
Richard Nixon.
You find yourself using your pendulum over the stock
pages in the newspaper.

You tell an initiate that in your day you had to slog
through five feet of snow uphill both ways when you
did a Yule ritual.
You drop your teeth in the ritual cup.
At Samhain you see more of your coveners in the Wild
Hunt than you do in circle.
You put your athame in the chalice during ritual but
you can't remember why.

You hold an all night blow-out drum frenzy and none of
your neighbors noticed.
You use Glenn Miller records for trance music.
All of your ritual robes are tie-dyed.
Your coven has a 401(k) retirement plan.
A nitro pill vial replaces the crystal on your
pendant.
No one's successfully jumped the Beltaine fire since
1983.
When the coven sings, "Creak and groan, creak and
groan . . ."
When you set comfy chairs around the circle.
When you sit on the floor and can't get up again.
You do anointings with Aspercreme.
The oak tree your coven planted died of old age.
You use Bran Muffins and Prune Juice for Cakes & Ale
because you need the extra fiber.
You don't use salt to consecrate you altar because you
need to stay away from extra sodium.
You use a walker during the Wild Hunt.
You prefer to rent a Hall for rituals because the
bathrooms are closer.
You need a flashlight to find the candles.




The Lesser Banishing Ritual of the Casserole

To prepare for this ritual, clear a space for the
circle in the center of the kitchen. Then don your
ceremonial apron and hold your ceremonial spatula
in your right hand. Stand in the center of the circle
and face east.
You are ready to begin:
      With your spatula, draw a banishing pentagram to the
East. Then, thrust your spatula through the pentagram
and say,
"Microwave dinners, be gone!"
      Move to the South. Again, draw a banishing pentagram
and thrust your spatula through it.
"TV dinners, be gone!"
      Move to the West. Draw the banishing pentagram and
thrust your spatula through it.
"Ramen instant noodles, be gone!"
      Move to the north. Draw the banishing pentagram and
thrust your spatula through it,
"Mystery meat in a can, be gone!"
      Move to the center of the circle and stand still.
Chant the following:

      Before me, Martha Stewart.
      Behind me, Betty Crocker.
      To my right side, Julia Child.
      To my left side, Martha Stewart, AGAIN!
     
Visualize yourself standing in a giant casserole and
proclaim,
"For about me bakes the casserole, and around me
shines the 6-course meal."
      Clap your hands three times and say,
"It's a good thing."
The rite is over.

If the ritual is not effective, please order take-out
ASAP.


A letter from a 3rd grade teacher sent home to pagan parents:
-- by Ld Obyron Irondrake, 8/18/99


Dear Mr. and Mrs. Thomas,

I write this letter in concern of your daughter, Aradia Moon. Please
don't take this the wrong way, however, although she is a straight A
student and a very bright child, she has some strange habits that I
feel we should address.

Every morning before class, she insists on walking around the
classroom with her pencil held in the air. She says she is "drawing
down the moon." I told her that her Art Class is in an hour and to
please refrain from doing any drawing until then.

And speaking of Art Class, whenever she draws a night sky, she
insists on drawling little circles around all the stars and people
dancing on the ground. And that brings up dancing, I had to stop her
twice for taking off her clothes during a game of Ring Around the
Rosey! By the way, what does the term "skyclad" mean?

Aradia has no problem with making friends. I always find her sitting
outside during recess with her friends sitting around her in a
circle. She likes to share her juice and cookies. It is nice how she
wants no one to ever thirst or hunger. However, when I walked over
to see what they were doing, she jumped up and told me to stop,
pulled out a little plastic knife and started waving it in front of
me. I thought this was a bit dangerous, so I took her to the
Principal's Office. She explained to the Principal that she was
"opening the Circle" to let me in. She also said that her Mommy and
Daddy always told her not to play or run with an "athame" in her
hand, that she could put someone's eye out. I don't know what an
"athame" is, but I am glad that she keeps it at home.

As for stories, your daughter tends to make up some whoppers. Just
yesterday while I was talking sternly to Tommy Johnson and shaking
my finger at him, he started screaming and ran from the room. When I
finally caught him, he told me that Aradia told him and the rest of
the class that the last time I
shook my finger at someone, they caught the chicken pox. I
explained to him that the Sally Jones incident was just a
coincidence, and that things like that don't really happen.

One of the strangest things that happened was when I asked the
children to bring in Halloween decorations for the classroom. Aradia
brought in salt, incense and her family album. I see she has quite a
sense of humor.

One of Aradia's worst habits is that she is very argumentative. We
were discussing what the Golden Rule was (Do Unto others as you
would have them Do Unto You), she firmly disagreed with me and
stated it was "Do As you will, but Harm None" and she will not stop
saying "So Mote It Be" after she reads aloud in class. I try correct
her on these matters and she got very angry. She pointed her finger
at me and mumbled something under her breath.

In closing, Mr. and Mrs. Thomas, I would like to set up a
parent/teacher conference with you sometime next week to discuss
these matters. I would like to see you sooner, but I have developed
an irritating rash that I am quite worried about.

With Deep Concerns,
Mrs. Livingston

P.S. Blessed Be. I understand that this is a greeting or closing
from your country that your daughter informs me is polite and correct.

 

 


 

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